Perhaps you consider yourself a gentlemen, a man who knows how to behave. Maybe you read magazines like GQ and have a great sense of fashion. You have proper etiquette; you’re not awkward in social situations. Or maybe you just do as you please because you couldn’t care less what anyone thinks of you. You’ve got the world all figured out now don’t ya bud…
Well, whichever way you’d prefer to describe yourself, I highly doubt that you don’t care about what people think of you! What about your friends? Your wife? Your kids?
My guess is you’re probably doing at least one thing that’s lame and pissing off those around you. Luckily, through my experiences, I have pissed everyone off and have received plenty words of wisdom from those who I’ve left with disdain. Through my travels, I have come up with a few tips to help you live in a douche free world! They say a smart man learns from his mistakes… but a smarter man will learn from mine!
Here are ’25 Douchey Things You Don’t Know You’re Doing’:
1. Shut up about your fantasy team.
2. You call people nicknames like “boss” and “champ.”
I’d make a bet that you don’t even call your own boss, “boss”… and the only person that should ever be called champ, is “The Champ.”
3. You have nuts hanging from the back of your truck.
Women think you’re compensating. Other guys would love to kick you in them
4. You keep the stickers on your hat.
I didn’t know you starred in a rap video… good for you! We know how much the damn thing costs. We’ve all been to Lids.
5. You brag about not having cable.
Whether you’re saving money or just a hipster douche that’s against it, do what you do… Just don’t make me feel guilty for wanting to watch the game tonight
6. You grunt while doing arm curls.
Seriously dude, check your pants… do you need to wipe?
7. You take selfies in washrooms.
Ever looked deep into a man’s eyes after he’s dropped a deuce? It not exactly flattering.
8. You tip the bare minimum.
Have you ever wondered why the waitress seems to always disappear… well, now you know.
9. You wear your sunglasses inside—or worse, at night.
You’re not Corey Hart.
10. You’re a namedropper.
Hate to tell you, but Walter Gretzky posed for 200 other photos at the Leafs game last night and every one of them said the exact same thing as you just did.
11. You wear sleeveless jerseys to NBA games.
I bet you thought coach was gonna put you in?
12. You keep empty liquor bottles and display them like trophies.
You’re not a 16-year old girl.
13. You text during dates.
Have fun sitting on the toilet, watching porn on your iPhone tonight.
14. You give spoilers without warning.
Let me find out who just got axed on Game of Thrones at my own pace, thanks!
15. You wear a cell-phone holster.
Oh, dude. No.
16. You make friends watch “this quick, funny video on YouTube.”
It’s the longest, un-funniest, piece of $#^t video on YouTube. Guaranteed.
17. You sing old indie songs at karaoke.
Drunk people don’t want to sing along to The Smiths. They want Journey.
18. You give unsolicited advice.
That’s what Dr. Phil is for.
19. You Instagram everything you eat.
Dude, that 42nd photo of your sandwich belongs in the friggin’ Louvre!
20. You sign your emails with “Cheers.”
$50 says you’ve never been to England.
21. You still call shotgun.
Here’s a better idea… buy a car!
22. You wear the shirt of the band you’re watching.
It’s kind of implied.
23. You still quote Borat.
Let it go. Even Sacha Baron Cohen has moved on.
24. You buy jeans with holes in them.
I could have ripped ‘em up for free.
25. You take the last slice.
I was going to eat that!