Chris Bundas –
Young lovers today, luckily, will never have to know the fear of picking up a telephone and dialing their high school sweetheart’s home phone number, only to have her Dad pick up the phone. Just thinking about those moments of panic and sweat from a decade ago, I’m pacing around my office now trying to write this.
I won’t deny the nostalgic charm of an actual conversation between two love birds getting to know each other. There’s something sweet–even innocent–about it. I’m sure you remember those nights on the phone with a new crush, hours and hours pass and the next thing you know, you’re watching the sunrise together while on the line, falling asleep with the phone against your ear.
I’m getting too sentimental now… I’m starting to make myself sick!
But let’s face it: the sentiment is dead and gone. However, once in a while, I get an urge to actually dial up my current lady friend, only to hit end after the first ring, in fear she’ll think I’m some crazy stalker for calling. Then I have to write some bulls#!t excuse about how it was an accident, I meant to call someone else, blah blah blah. Key part to note there: ‘texted her’. Texting is where it’s at these days, no way around it. And believe it or not, what you text will read more to her than what’s simply on the phone’s screen.
So, now that we know how important texting is in our modern world, here is a breakdown of different texting styles and what each is really saying to her:
The ‘One Worder’
I’m sure you’re smart enough not to need me to go too in depth on this particular ‘texter’, but for the dense: if someone is trying to have a conversation with you and you continually respond with “k”, “cool”, “np”, “sounds good” and the most overused response, (which never means what it stands for) “lol”, they’re going to get tired of your s#!t real fast! It’s ignorant, rude, you seem stoned, (although you very well may be,) unintelligent and just downright disinterested in the person showing interest in you. She’ll be ‘lol’ing her a$$ off with her friends about how she wasted her data on you. Hope you’re “cool” with that.
The Purposeful Misspeller
Similar to the ‘One Worder’, the ‘Purposeful Misspeller’ can come off as lazy and, well, not all that bright. ‘Coz’ is spelt ‘because’, ‘ur’ is spelt ‘your or you’re’. We have all this amazing technology and yet it has done nothing but dumb people down. The internet was supposed to give people a voice, but what it’s really given us is Bud Dwyer and unlimited access to pornography. The English language is a beautiful thing, yet people don’t seem to speak it or write it anymore. It’s just texting with no punctuation, pronunciation, and horrible grammar. Intelligence goes a long way; if you can manage to produce a group of words that don’t resemble something cavemen used to speak, she’ll be intrigued.
Your vs You’re
I’m not quite sure when it became a ‘thing’ to attack someone for misusing the wrong ‘your’ in a conversation, but nonetheless, it’s a thing! You will be attacked! Take the extra 4 seconds to read over YOUR text before hitting send and becoming a victim of grammar assault.
Emoticons are kind of like foundation: it’s an accepted practice for men today to use a little foundation to cover a blemish here and there. Although men’s magazines say it’s ok for you to do this, no guy in his right mind would ever admit to applying makeup to another dude. To a woman, he might say, “once in a while, just a little dab if needed,” in a deep tone, trying to act all tough, compensating for the total shame he’s feeling. It’s the same idea when it comes to emoticons. You never use them when texting your guy friends and you should not be using more of them than your lady friend.
*TIP – If she is always the one texting you first, you should text her first the next time. She’ll love it *
Sending pictures of fun things to each other throughout the day is ok. By sending pictures, it’s saying that you want to share the things going on in your life and you have a good sense of humour. I think any woman would appreciate that, just don’t be overbearing with it. Too much of a good thing is never a good thing.
Sending Dirty Photos
Sending an unsolicited ‘dick pic’ is the furthest thing you can do from being thoughtful and charming. If she requests it, or the conversation is really calling for it, by all means! Perhaps then you could consider it thoughtful; otherwise, keep the camera above the waist.
Writing a Novel, Not A Text
A simple question like, “Where did you want to go eat tonight?” is all you need to write in your text message. You don’t have to give a full review on each possible restaurant option, because really, she doesn’t want to hear it. She probably wants you to be a man and say, “I’ll pick you up at 7pm and am taking you to (_insert a restaurant you know she’ll like_), see you soon.” She’s probably thinking you’re more ‘high maintenance’ than her, and maybe even a little maladjusted.
A Well Punctuated, Fun & Flirtatious Text
If you’re consistently hitting these three targets in your text messages, you’re basically doing the equivalent of holding doors, giving her your jacket and all that chivalrous stuff, in our new technological world.
*Perfect example of what not to do*