Yet another man has been convicted of smuggling turtles across the border in his pants. The turtles weren’t wearing his pants; he was actually wearing the turtles. 38 of them, strapped to his legs. Dong Yan (I could not even make this up) is the second turtle smuggler to be stopped at the border. He follows in the uncomfortable footsteps of Kai Xu, who was caught in 2014 with 51 tortoises taped to his body. Dong Yan has been fined $3500 and placed on probation for two years, during which he is not allowed to be near turtles. He can’t even read Franklin books. The turtles were identified as ringed map turtles, diamondback terrapins, three-toed box turtles, spotted turtles and red-eared sliders. There was one red snapper, but it wasn’t a turtle.