GWYNETH PALTROW is on a number of magazine covers and whatnot, going on about how her life has changed since turning 40, which struck me as odd, because, as it turns out, she’s 43. But, being Gwyneth, she gets a little extra time to make the transition. Does Gwyneth, like most of us, feel a little panicky about entering middle-age? Has she made mistakes she regrets? Does she worry about the future? Is she lamenting the changes in her body and her face? OF COURSE NOT! She’s Goopy! She’s more happy and content than she’s ever been! She is living her happiness! She is – as she puts it, and I kid you not – UPGRADED! Gwyneth 2.0’s divorce was gentle – her ex-marriage better than ever. Her business is flourishing, her children are amazing! She accepts her perfect body, and your not-so-perfect one too! She had a hangnail the other day, and it was adorable. Once, there was a fly in the bowl of steam she had for lunch, and it was delicious protein! And everything is just so, so easy. Because, you know, money. It’s always been there, and always will be. What? You don’t have that much? Well you should try living your happiness more. And maybe get an upgrade. Also, steam your vagina. There. You’re welcome. By the way, 50 might be even better, but THAT won’t be for another 15 years.